Satsang by Swami Satyananda Saraswati
Egodectomy and grace
When I started living ashram life, I realized how difficult karma yoga is. Selfless service is worse than a donkey's work. It was very painful, it brought many samskaras out. All the good opinions that I had about myself were completely thwarted. I thought I was a good man, but I realized that I was a very angry man. I thought I was a pure man, but I realized I was a hopeless man. I thought I was a strong man and I realized I was weak. I thought that I was not greedy, because I was brought up in a good family that had plenty to eat, but I realized how greedy I was when I saw someone drinking tea that I did not get. These karmas and samskaras came out within the range of my awareness.
I had many experiences with Swamiji on ego removal. I will give just one example. There was a servant boy in the ashram from Garhwal who was a very arrogant young man. The rule in the ashram was that every resident and guest had to take their plate to the Ganga to wash it. One day, an old swami put his plate down in the kitchen. I told him, "Just leave it, I will have it washed." He was old and I knew it would be hard for him to go down to the Ganga.
The servant boy was washing other big utensils. He got angry, "No plate here. Throw it away." He threw it away and I told him, "Get out, leave the ashram." That's my nature. I did not consider that he too was a human being, I just considered my own reaction. I was a strong man in the ashram and when I said 'leave the ashram', he had to leave the ashram; But somebody said to him, "Meet Bare Swamiji (Swami Sivananda) and request him to let you stay."
So, in the evening when Swamiji came out, the boy touched his feet and said, "Swamiji I am going away." Swamiji asked, "Why?" He said, "Swami Satyananda has ordered me to leave the ashram." Swamiji did not call me to find out what had happened, he understood everything because Swamiji was a very shrewd man, very intelligent man. He instead took the boy to his personal kitchen and kept him there.
That felt like a big insult to me, a direct insult given to me by my guru. He was keeping this fellow for his personal service when I had chucked him out! And I had to go there every day and meet this fellow at the gate - Swamiji's gate - it was so insulting. I became very disturbed. All the yoga that I had been talking about, that I go to the superconscious and the unconscious, etc., was destroyed. All the mental frames were in disarray, all the emotions were in confusion. All the philosophies I had been talking about, all the things I had maintained in my mind, were in confusion. I thought, 'I'll leave the ashram and go away.'
Look, just a little insult, and from the guru, and we want to leave the ashram and go away! If we cannot observe and understand even the insulting behaviour of our guru, then what are we there for? And why do we say he is our guru? We may as well tell him, "I am your worker, please behave better with me from today. Instead of money, you give me food. I would like to serve your institution, but I am not your disciple and you are not my guru." On one hand we say, "You are my guru, you are my life, you are my prana, you are everything", but once he gives an acid test, we fail. However, I didn't remember all this, I made so many plans, I did not sleep the whole night. I was no less than joint secretary of the ashram, I had almost all the keys, the entire, cash, and I thought that his insult meant my death.
The next morning, I had to come down. I hesitated to go to Swamiji's kutir. It is psychological. I thought, 'Here I threw him out and now he will stand there and mock me.' It was going to be an unspoken war between him and me, and I couldn't understand it. Now I understand because I am out of the picture. My disciples don't understand because they are not out of the picture.
When I went towards Swamiji's kutir, however, Swamiji was at the gate and not the servant. He opened the gate and said, "Namo Narayana." I said, "Oh yes, you know what's happening to my mind." He took me inside and saw the papers, whatever I had to show. He did not say anything except, "You liked that I opened the door for you." And I went into an ecstatic fit.
I said, "You have to open the door, otherwise who will do it?" I gave him a bit of my mind, that I did not want the servant to open the door, and after all, he was the guru. Guru has to open the door, the door that leads towards light. He meant more than what he said and I also meant more than what I said. That was all. Then we went in and everything was all right.
Coloured in geru
In 1946, I was tired physically. I had fallen sick several times and was reduced to a skeleton. I thought I would leave the ashram. After all, if I had to work hard, I could do it at my home, too. That was maya trapping me and giving me the best of arguments.
I wrote to one of my friends in Lahore who arranged my appointment as sub-editor at The Tribune. He sent me money and I got myself a coat, pants and tie. This foolish swami! When everything was prepared, I went to Swami Sivananda and said to him, "I am going." He said, "What for?" I gave some reply, I don't remember exactly what. He said, "Okay, on 8th September my diamond jubilee is being celebrated. Stay until then. After that you can go. Two more months."
I did not know that he was trying to surround me from all sides, so I stayed on. Finally, his birthday was over. On the 9th and 10th all visitors left. On the 11th, he called me and said, "You are coming tomorrow morning to take sannyasa." Bolt from the blue! I did not know what to say. He said, "Tomorrow morning at seven you are going to take sannyasa and throwaway all your attachments, commitments and obligations to the lower realm of life." He again arrested my mind, and I said, "All right."
I forgot all about The Tribune. I forgot everything. My mind was blank. I did not sleep the whole night. I was repeating my mantra, which at that time was the Gayatri. I was very eager, waiting anxiously for the morning to come. It was a very long night for me. But as I was waiting and waiting, something shifted in my mind. At seven o'clock I went there, Swamiji called a barber and shaved my head. I was already shaved but I had a little, you know, ego. He cut it off, gave me a kaupin and dhoti, and took away my janayu, the sacred thread.
He said, "In this life, beyond life, after life, whether you are in a toddy shop or amoung prostitutes, never give up geru." That's one sankalpa he gave to me, one order that he gave to me. He said, "It does not matter what you do. Geru is your skin now." That is why I love geru so much. This is the only ashram where swamis real geru. At other places they wear synthetic colours: orange, red and so on. In this ashram, we stick to geru.
Egodectomy and grace
When I started living ashram life, I realized how difficult karma yoga is. Selfless service is worse than a donkey's work. It was very painful, it brought many samskaras out. All the good opinions that I had about myself were completely thwarted. I thought I was a good man, but I realized that I was a very angry man. I thought I was a pure man, but I realized I was a hopeless man. I thought I was a strong man and I realized I was weak. I thought that I was not greedy, because I was brought up in a good family that had plenty to eat, but I realized how greedy I was when I saw someone drinking tea that I did not get. These karmas and samskaras came out within the range of my awareness.
I had many experiences with Swamiji on ego removal. I will give just one example. There was a servant boy in the ashram from Garhwal who was a very arrogant young man. The rule in the ashram was that every resident and guest had to take their plate to the Ganga to wash it. One day, an old swami put his plate down in the kitchen. I told him, "Just leave it, I will have it washed." He was old and I knew it would be hard for him to go down to the Ganga.
The servant boy was washing other big utensils. He got angry, "No plate here. Throw it away." He threw it away and I told him, "Get out, leave the ashram." That's my nature. I did not consider that he too was a human being, I just considered my own reaction. I was a strong man in the ashram and when I said 'leave the ashram', he had to leave the ashram; But somebody said to him, "Meet Bare Swamiji (Swami Sivananda) and request him to let you stay."
So, in the evening when Swamiji came out, the boy touched his feet and said, "Swamiji I am going away." Swamiji asked, "Why?" He said, "Swami Satyananda has ordered me to leave the ashram." Swamiji did not call me to find out what had happened, he understood everything because Swamiji was a very shrewd man, very intelligent man. He instead took the boy to his personal kitchen and kept him there.
That felt like a big insult to me, a direct insult given to me by my guru. He was keeping this fellow for his personal service when I had chucked him out! And I had to go there every day and meet this fellow at the gate - Swamiji's gate - it was so insulting. I became very disturbed. All the yoga that I had been talking about, that I go to the superconscious and the unconscious, etc., was destroyed. All the mental frames were in disarray, all the emotions were in confusion. All the philosophies I had been talking about, all the things I had maintained in my mind, were in confusion. I thought, 'I'll leave the ashram and go away.'
Look, just a little insult, and from the guru, and we want to leave the ashram and go away! If we cannot observe and understand even the insulting behaviour of our guru, then what are we there for? And why do we say he is our guru? We may as well tell him, "I am your worker, please behave better with me from today. Instead of money, you give me food. I would like to serve your institution, but I am not your disciple and you are not my guru." On one hand we say, "You are my guru, you are my life, you are my prana, you are everything", but once he gives an acid test, we fail. However, I didn't remember all this, I made so many plans, I did not sleep the whole night. I was no less than joint secretary of the ashram, I had almost all the keys, the entire, cash, and I thought that his insult meant my death.
The next morning, I had to come down. I hesitated to go to Swamiji's kutir. It is psychological. I thought, 'Here I threw him out and now he will stand there and mock me.' It was going to be an unspoken war between him and me, and I couldn't understand it. Now I understand because I am out of the picture. My disciples don't understand because they are not out of the picture.
When I went towards Swamiji's kutir, however, Swamiji was at the gate and not the servant. He opened the gate and said, "Namo Narayana." I said, "Oh yes, you know what's happening to my mind." He took me inside and saw the papers, whatever I had to show. He did not say anything except, "You liked that I opened the door for you." And I went into an ecstatic fit.
I said, "You have to open the door, otherwise who will do it?" I gave him a bit of my mind, that I did not want the servant to open the door, and after all, he was the guru. Guru has to open the door, the door that leads towards light. He meant more than what he said and I also meant more than what I said. That was all. Then we went in and everything was all right.
Coloured in geru
In 1946, I was tired physically. I had fallen sick several times and was reduced to a skeleton. I thought I would leave the ashram. After all, if I had to work hard, I could do it at my home, too. That was maya trapping me and giving me the best of arguments.
I wrote to one of my friends in Lahore who arranged my appointment as sub-editor at The Tribune. He sent me money and I got myself a coat, pants and tie. This foolish swami! When everything was prepared, I went to Swami Sivananda and said to him, "I am going." He said, "What for?" I gave some reply, I don't remember exactly what. He said, "Okay, on 8th September my diamond jubilee is being celebrated. Stay until then. After that you can go. Two more months."
I did not know that he was trying to surround me from all sides, so I stayed on. Finally, his birthday was over. On the 9th and 10th all visitors left. On the 11th, he called me and said, "You are coming tomorrow morning to take sannyasa." Bolt from the blue! I did not know what to say. He said, "Tomorrow morning at seven you are going to take sannyasa and throwaway all your attachments, commitments and obligations to the lower realm of life." He again arrested my mind, and I said, "All right."
I forgot all about The Tribune. I forgot everything. My mind was blank. I did not sleep the whole night. I was repeating my mantra, which at that time was the Gayatri. I was very eager, waiting anxiously for the morning to come. It was a very long night for me. But as I was waiting and waiting, something shifted in my mind. At seven o'clock I went there, Swamiji called a barber and shaved my head. I was already shaved but I had a little, you know, ego. He cut it off, gave me a kaupin and dhoti, and took away my janayu, the sacred thread.
He said, "In this life, beyond life, after life, whether you are in a toddy shop or amoung prostitutes, never give up geru." That's one sankalpa he gave to me, one order that he gave to me. He said, "It does not matter what you do. Geru is your skin now." That is why I love geru so much. This is the only ashram where swamis real geru. At other places they wear synthetic colours: orange, red and so on. In this ashram, we stick to geru.
"Follow your destiny"
From 1953 to 1955, Swamiji allowed me to stop working in the ashram and study. He felt
that the ashram was no longer the right place of expression for me. There I had to express within a framework so the expressions could not be original. He knew that I had originality of philosophy, way of working and living. In those three years I delved deeply in the shastras, from the Rig Veda to the books of Gandhi. I studied every religion in Sanskrit, Hindi and English. He sent me for one year to Gujarat and Saurashtra, and took me along with him on a three-month all-India tour so I could have an idea of people.
In 1956 I was not keeping well. One day, I was resting in my room and received a message from Swamiji to come down to him. When I went, he told me just one thing. "The ashram is small for you, and your destiny is an important thing." He said, "There is something which people don't know and we don't really teach because people are not yet ready. They only want a little bit of asana and pranayama. Most people are afraid of yoga; therefore, I don't teach much to them." He taught me kriya yoga. It hardly took five minutes because I already knew it. He gave me a hundred and eight rupees and said, "Take whatever you like from the ashram, but it is better to go with minimum things." So, on 19th March, the day I had arrived, I left the ashram.
I roamed all over the country. At that time I was completely averse to institutions. I did not want to have anything to do with ashrams, disciples or money. I just wandered, leading the life of a mendicant, a beggar. You see the beggars sitting on the railway station? Your father might have seen me sitting somewhere like that! I just wanted to be independent. If I wanted to smoke, nobody should say; "Why do sadhus smoke?" I mind my business, you mind yours. I lived like that for a few years.
Eventually I came to Munger and that, I think, was the beginning of an era. The place was very nice. On 13th July, 1963, I had an inner awakening. I got a message, and that's how things started.
1 comments:
Namo Narayan
Dear Swamiji,
thank you for beautiful Satsangs "Living with Swami Sivananda",
but we are eager and craving yet for "Living with Swami Satyananda" from Swami Satyasanghananda too...
With pranam and prem,
SanatKumaranand
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